What the future holds

Hi everyone,

for this blog post, I was partly inspired by two other blogs that I follow and read regularly. One was talking about how hard it is for a partner/husband/slave to obey with his ego and wishes, and the other one was about the way Femdom works and how people misinterpret the meaning Femdom in a 24/7/365 relationships.

For me it is really important to be consistent with the instructions I give him so that he is not confused and that he can't say: "Oh, I forgot". The last time I saw him consistently  did not take place and he did not do anything the way he should, he did not even try. But I can't really blame him for that since I did not really guide him and I was able to tell that he did not feel like he is being controlled. However, I feel that the last time we were together it was not so much about that because we needed some time to reconnect.

He has a hard time obeying me, and sometimes I really have to push it so that he gets the point. It is wrong to think that I yell at him or I am mean, normally I would just tell him what to do, turn, and walk away and leave him with his thoughts until he realizes that he actually has no choice but to do as I said. Some other times, some disciplinary actions need to take place. I read a lot of blogs about how submissive partners are locked in the chastity all the time and that they feel weird and free without it. Chastity for my slave is a big punishment and I don't use it as often; it's either when I don't want him to touch himself when I am away or when he really pisses me off.
When I am with him he knows that there is no way he is allowed to touch himself (unless otherwise instructed) and I know he would never do it... It is 8 days until I will see him again and I am getting ready for some big changes! He definitely needs to reconnect himself with his real position in our relationship and starts to follow ALL the rules. Starting with the "small" ones. Like dropping on his knees when we get home and kissing my feet.

Regardless to the previous topic; If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that we have some major differences to overcome. They will take place by the end of this year at the latest, maybe even sooner. All of that is becoming a bigger and bigger issue for me since I have no idea how we are going to deal with it. There are a couple solutions but none of them are ideal... I am wondering how far it will take us and what will be the final result. Living on different continents is just not going to work... Anyway, one step at the time.

Cheers,

Miss G. 

Getting back on track

Hi everyone,

First of all, I would just like to say that I am so happy to see that a lot of people is reading my blog. I am seeing a lot on visitors and I am really happy about it. :) Also thank you for all the comments that you left.

Hmm... I am alone again, away from him. It feels weird. Those 20 days that we had together it was like 20 min and not days! When we are together time is passing by so fast. Luckily, I am going back home in 9 days and I am really happy about it. This place kind of frustrates me but it has nothing to do with the fact that we are not together. 

Lets talk about some more interesting stuff right now! :)

Despite the fact that we were together for 20 days there was not a lot of real sessions or anything like that. I believe that we mostly spent our time reconnecting with each other and reminding why we are so amazing together. 

BUT the other day I was browsing through Fetlife and I got really inspired! I can't wait to try it with him and I would love to tell you what it is but I don't want spoil it for him since he has no idea what I have in mind and I tend to keep it that way. 

Once during the time I was back home he had to do one day trip and the day before I put him in "the position" and spanked his ass. I told him that is for the next night that he is going to spent away and his red ass will remind him of that. 

Before I got back home I saw a picture on the internet of a girl holding guys dick and he is breathing in her ear while she is jerking him off. He was clearly a submissive guy. I took a screen shoot of that and sent it to him saying that I want that... It actually happened! :)

One day, I got him completely naked on the bed, put lotion on my hands and started playing with his dick. Before he came I stopped, started again and stopped. I left the room and I came back with a pair of black pantyhose that I put on his dick and just played with it... He was rock hard! He started shivering from the pleasure and the frustration that I didn't allow him to cum. I placed myself in the similar position as the woman on that picture. It was really amazing. Hearing his frustrated and with pleasure mixed breath while I was pulling on his dick. I had him so close to his orgasm for SO long. I set back up and went crazy again. He asked me several times if he can cum but the answer was always no. I tortured him for a while and then I let him go. He was so happy and grateful. I can definitely say that that was one of the best orgasms he have ever had.

As I set before in my post but this time we spent on bonding and just being with each other and enjoying the time together.

Cheers,

G.

On the plane

Hi everyone,

I know it has been a while since I posted something but in the next couple of weeks I will be telling you about my time with him since I will be away.

First of all I would like to say that I had the best 19 days of my entire life. He is perfect!! I know that it might sound weird, and I don't mean perfect as a slave but just as a person and in general. 

You know that saying: "Most men aren't smart enough to realize that the higher you elevate your woman, the less available she is for other men." Well here is the thing, I am definitely not available for anyone else! 

It might be just me but I really loved today's morning when I woke up just before my flight and laid in my bad watch him typing on his iPad and he looked at me and said something stupid that made me laugh. The only thing I said was: fuck? Of yourself it was yes! :) but it didn't happen. Instead I uncovered my legs and put my feet on his nose (of course I was wearing pantyhose) which made him rock hard in seconds.... I made him lay on his back, pull his underwear down and grabbed his dick. 

I set down next to him and keep pressing my feet on his nose. He mumbled: "why do I have to have your feet on my nose?" It was just because he wanted me to say: because I want so!

I put some lotion on my hands, grabbed his dick and teased him a little bit. I said: "Can you cum for me?" He said yes and I gave him great orgasm. His cum squirted all over my hands and slid down on his belly... It was time for shower and to get ready to go... This was our way of saying goodbye...

I know that this my seem stupid and dreamy and just out of proportion but they always say that you know when you meet someone special... You really do. 

It is really incredible that we were able to meet. We are very symbiotic and we compliment each other perfectly. I still can't believe that I found him.

We still have disagreements and conflicts but we are able to solve it in a very nice and organized way which never leads to an actual fight.

Before I left the house he promised me something that meant a world to me. And I know he would never broke a promise. But about that some other time.

Cheers,

G.

Smell my feet

Hello,

he is away for tonight and just before I took him to the airport I decided to give him a little bit of a session. 

We started in a living room where he smelled my feet and that totally got me going. Moved upstairs where I teased his rock hard dick while he was sniffing my feet, deep breaths. Amazing. I gave him the "endless tunnel" with my hands and sucked on his dick. I wore dark red lipstick that left marks around his dick... so sexy. 

I commanded him to move into the "position" and finally took that whip out of my closet. OMG, that felt good. Just seeing those marks on his ass, his asshole moving and hearing those noises that he makes. Wow, that felt really good. 

While he was in the position I took my Hitachi vibrator and put it on his dick. Drives him crazy but he knew he is not allowed to cum. 

After a few very good hits I ordered him to flip back on his back where I grabbed his dick with my hand and put my feet on his nose. While he was taking deep breaths of my dirty feet I allowed him to cum with vibrator that I was pushing against his dick. He came good, really good. 

After he was done he thanked me. I said: "Go back to the position so I can whip that ass a little bit more and give you some nice marks for the trip." He did it and he was really scared about how hard I am going to hit him. I did a few whips but that was about it. 

He thanked me again, I put on his clothes (which btw I really like to do) and he was ready to go for the airport. 

It was short but something that we both liked (more or less).

G. 

Bonding

Hi everyone,

So here we are. In the bed with him sleeping by my side. I just don't feel tired but he is. 

Saturday was kind of easy. We went to Ikea to get some new furniture and we didn't do much. I really wanted to do more session type stuff but there is just a lot that I missed since I've been away and I just wanted to do some general bonding. We were cuddling a lot and just being with each other. 

Before bad on Saturday I put him in "the position" where he is on his all fours with his ass sticking up in the air. I have full access to his dick from behind and he has no control over it. That is definitely one of my favorite positions for him. 

Normally, I would lock his wrists, put collar around his neck and leash him but that nigh I didn't see/feel the need. I started pulling on his dick and that is absolutely amazing for him. I teased him for a long time. Brought him almost to the orgasm and then stop. So frustrating for him but so fulfilling for me. At the end I let him cum. I enjoy watching his sperm squirting from his dick.

Today we're such a lazy day, ester Sunday, we are not religious so we didn't do much. Just had really really lazy day. He paid some bills and washed the kitchen floor but that was about it.

I was preparing some lunch today and I band over and he said: "I wish I could fuck you right now." I just felt I big need for his dick inside me. And said: "let's just go upstairs!" I ran upstairs and he followed me, lift my skirt, pull down my pantyhose and he smelled my feet and we are ready to rock.

He put his dick inside me and started fucking me, it was so good and I really enjoyed our fuck. He is just amazing. We changed positions and he started fucking me from behind, I got my vibrator and I came fast and hard while he was fucking me. He continued fucking me from behind and after a few minutes I came again. It was amazing. I rolled over one more time and he fucked me until he came inside me.

It was just an amazing apatizer for our lunch that got moved by fair amount of time. 

The rest of the day was just hugging and cuddling on the sofa. I think the we both needed some really nice bonding. We laughed a lot and just had fun with each other. He is the best. 

Cheers,

G.

Reunion

Hello,

uh, well after my flight got all screwed up, delayed and missed connection I got home 6 hours later than expected. Midnight. Tired and exhausted and just happy to be home. Ugh, not as planned at all and it also got my off the tract.

My planes changed and I just wanted to go to sleep. Well it did not happen either.

He surprised me and lock HIMSELF in chastity and that totally turned me on and I just wanted to feel his hard dick inside me. Too tired for any real play I just teased him a little bit with my mouth and make him beg me to unlock him. I really wanted his dick inside me. It's been so long since the last time I had dick inside my pussy that it was just a pure need for that.

After approximately 10 min of teasing and kissing, sitting on top of him I unlocked him and make him fuck me really hard. It was amazing, his dick inside my pussy just feels right, and it felt right last night. Of course he was not allowed to cum without approval and I have myself 3 orgasms with hitachi vibrator while he was fucking me. At the end he came as well.

There was really not much action going not. Some lighter sniffing and worshipping but that was it. I was too tired.

However, today I had some time to go throught the house and I found some big mistakes... His definition of "perfect" is not the same as mine. That is for sure.

I started typing this post last night but didn't finish it because I was just too tired. 

I teased him a lot last night and gave myself an amazing orgasm and left him with nothing. I told him that he has to deserve it. And in order to do that he had to make me breakfast and bring it to bed; which he did and it was very good. I give him credit for that. He cleaned after me as well. 

After breakfast I hang cuffed him and played with his dick. Sucking it with my mouth and giving him a magic tunnel. He was totally under my spell, shivering from excitement and just wanted to cum sooooo badly. I let him. It was amazing to watch his cum squirting from his dick while I was holding it with my both hands. Just amazing. 

In the afternoon we had some chores to do and after I decided to use his dick. I am one of those women who really love the feeling of his dick in my mouth. I was sucking and licking his thing for a long time in the afternoon and just enjoyed his dick that I missed for so long. It is like his dick was made for my mouth. It fits so perfectly! I let him cum again. 

Tomorrow is Saturday and it is time for some discipline. I also miss seeing mark on his body and also time for some real play.

Will definitely keep you posted. 

Cheers,

G.

P.S.: Thanks for all of your comments. Love reading them. :)

Anticipation

Hello,

so here I am, in my bed. Tomorrow is the day that I am going back home. I have not seen him for over a month and I am not sure what to expect. He can't pick me up at the airport (not his fault) and it seems weird, I was so excited for that! On the other hand I can't want to get home, to hug him and to feel close to someone. 

Despite the fact that I miss him like crazy and I can't wait to see him, I feel that the distance left it's impact on me. We both been kind of moody lately. We are all just people in need to feel close to someone. I can't wait to be in his arms, to feel the warmth of his body and touch of his lips.

This is the longest time we've been apart and luckily it is the only time (at least I hope so). From now on everything will be batter. 

The other subject I was going to talk about is fantasy. He is a person who normally wants things he can't have. Then on the other hand sometimes he get some things and it is just frustrating for him. Upside down.   

Here are some examples:

1) We would be at the train station and he would saw a girl wearing pantyhose and whisper to me: "I would lick her feet." Normally I would just roll my eyes and say whatever but borders are blurry. I know that my legs are not perfect and that many girls have much nicer legs and all that. And I also know that I am amazing as a person (inside and out) and that everything is just fantasy but sometimes it just makes me feel that he wants something else. I also know that it is just in my head. 

2) He has this fantasies about chastity and denial but when I do it with him he just get so frustrated and kind of upset. The same it goes with home chores, I tell him to clean the floor and after he is frustrated about it. He often says: be careful what you wish for. 

Sometimes it get kind of mixed all together and for me as a dominant woman and as someone who needs to control things I will just have to learn how to deal with him at those points in the way that I can benefit from. I am still evolving in that regard. I am a smart girl and I will master it soon. :)

That would be it for today, looking forward to tomorrow and for my way home. Can't wait to see him! 

Cheers,

G. 

Keeping him busy

Hello everyone, 

it is Sunday and only 3 days left until we will see each other. 

I am keeping him busy as I know he is very horny and he has a very hard time keeping it together (he is not showing it as much as normally, but I know him well). I just want him to feel my presence even if I am not there, yet. 

Yesterday he cut the grass and that took him basically the whole day since our yard is huge. Also he was busy with that unpleasant even that brought me home sooner. Everything has it's own pluses and minuses. 

Today he is doing things around the house. I just received a picture of a freshly cleaned stove. I think he is also organizing things around my closed (even though there was no direct instruction to do so) which is very good. 

In the previous days he cleaned the floor, dusted the corners and washed the sheets. That is all good. The things he has to do now are: organize my night stand which has all the toys, ropes and lubes in it, put fresh towels in my bathroom and some other little things. 

There are some things that he can't do due to that event but I added on one thing; which is making an appointment in the salon for me (good slave).

On his list of things to do I drew a picture of him on his knees giving me all his cards and kissing my feet. I am sure he knows that I want that to happen in real life as well; actually I want that to be one of the first things to happen when I get back. 

He said several time that he knows that I want everything to be perfect, so lets see what he can do! One time he was complaining that he does thing and then I get home and I criticize about his work and I am unhappy. My response was: DO IT BETTER NEXT TIME and I will have nothing to complain about.  

I don't think that I  have ever gave him a really big punishment about his work (that must be the reason why he does it badly...) because normally I miss him very much and I just want to use his body and punishment comes later (too late). I know that is wrong and that I should do it but still.. Eventually, I know I will. It will be much easier when we live together (which will be very soon). 

I am also getting really really horny and I can't wait for him to give me my big orgasm and to rub my feet after while we watch the movie or something... I just want to feel his naked body and hard dick in my hand while I have my amazing orgasm. 

Also, his been really good considering the fact that he is really horny. I think that is because he knows I would lock him in chastity. So far I didn't but who knows... 3 days... hmm... 

That is that for today. Will definitely keep you posted and I can't wait to report about our reunion (I already packed my suitcase). :)

Cheers,

G.

Urgent flight change

Hi all,

Uhh... Where to start? A lot of things happened in the past few days and a lot of things have changed. So let me start in the beginning. 

Today should be 7 days left until I would get home, however we had an unpleasant event today and I had to re-book my flight to make sure that everything will be fine and taken care of. Consequently there is only 4 days left until I get there. 

Having said that, I am not going to make him wait another 3 days because I know he will be pathetic enough and I want to use and ride that dick as much as I can and I am not going to lock it away. There is just no point. Yes, I will make him work for his first ejaculation; work hard and good! 

Also my prediction about his behavior was wrong; well not necessarily wrong because he red it on my blog and he was trying to control himself so I would not lock him. That is the reason he was not mentioning it much. Barely some. Either he did not want to get locked or his been touching himself. But I don't think he would do that. He would tell me like he told me the last time. 

I am already fantasizing about him licking my feet and I just miss to see that desire in his eyes when he sees me and my pantyhose. I can't wait for that moment when he picks me up at the airport and when we sit in the car and I grab his dick. That is my favorite thing to do and I always do it :) 

This is basically it for now. I just want to give him a little bit of a tease before I get back because I know he is more pathetic than he is willing to show. He just needs a little push. ;)

Nice weekend,

G. 

10 days time

Hi everyone,

Here we are! The start of the 10 day non touching "challenge" for him. 

Yes, I am happy. I was really looking forward to this time. He already started with complains that he is horny and that I should not tease him. It is only a day one, cmon! 

I am really willing to push on this one as hard as I can and I am really curious what will happen. I know that he is going to try to manipulate with me and use all of his "tricks" to convince me otherwise. Not going to work!

As you can see from my past posts he already broke the non touching rule and I really hope he won't do it this time as well. I know it will get really hard for him at some point and he will get really frustrated but he needs to learn and obey my rules! There is nothing that can be discussed about it. 

My projections for this 10 days are:

day 1: he will mention it 

day 2: he will talk about it and complain

day 3: he will really want to do it because it will be Friday and he will have nothing* to do 

day 4: he will be desperate and this is probably the right time to use the chastity (weekends are the worst for him)

day 5: it will be all about it, he will complain about the chastity and how it is not comfortable and how is poking him while he sleeps and bla bla bla

days 6-10: read the day 5 and multiply it by 2 each day 

The funniest this he did today was asking me if I am going to touch myself. And I said that I have period and that I don't feel like it at this part of the month. And then he asked about the time after my period and before I get back home and I said that I don't know because I don't plan it that far in advance. The funny part that he said was: "Oh, if you are going to do it, I am going to do it as well." I just laughed and did not say much and did not try to convince otherwise. Not worth the effort. 

*About that nothing up there. I made him a long, long list about all the things he has to do before I get home. And I am keep adding things, so no worries he has plenty to do!

I was ready to got to sleep, (in my pantyhose and top, of course) already in my bed when I got a really big wish to wear my new pair of heels. So I got up, put them on and just walked around a little bit and now I am still wearing them, sitting on my bed and writing this. I can't help myself but I really like to see my nylon covered feet in heels. I was just thinking about one amazing experience that I had with my slave when I put some bread in my high heel and wear it for hours and then make him eat it and scrape it from the bottom of my feet with his teeth. That was really amazing and I can't wait to do it again. 

I will try to post every day and tell you more about the 10 days project that I am so excited about. 

Good night and nice dreams. And all of you foot slave out there, don't forget to smell your Goddess feet before bed and tell her that she is absolutely amazing, the bare minimum that you can do!

13 days

Hi again everyone,

so here we are, 13 days away from our "reunion"; and 3 days left for him to touch himself. 

I am really excited to see him in that pathetic mode again, where he lives and breathes only for me. I know that after 2 or 3 days in he will beg to let him cum, but NO. This time I am determined that he will go without cumming for 10 days! 

You know what they say, if you can't have something you want it even more, and that is the truth. 

I am stuck with my fantasies and desires for another 13 days when I will be finally able to let it all out, to take that whip in my hands and use him in every possible way. I really want to make sure that he won't break the non-touching rule so I am more than willing to make him to lock himself. He did not wear chastity for a long long time and since I really want to use his dick as much as possible while I am there, now would be the time. 

That meeting that I was telling you about in the last post went quite well and we are waiting for the final results of in the the next days. Nothing is done deal yet, but either way my stress level is getting lower and soon everything will be back on track. Just the way I like it.

I still get frustrated because of the events that I was describing in the post called "yellow fever or what" but I am managing to keep it under control and making sure that I don't think about it too much. 

I am not really sure how to satisfy my wishes for someone to worship my feet but I can tell you that my vibrator is going crazy every day for a couple of time (need to change the batteries). Once you get into that life style of worshipping and having an actual slave for services it is really hard to just stop with it. It's been over a month now since I got the last service from him and I have to say it has been toooooo long. 

One more thing; of course he did not make a list of the things he should do so that is the first major strike so far. 1 and counting... I made him a list of all the thing that needs to be done. A lot of details and better for him that he won't fail!!!

This is it for now, will tell you more about my plans with him in the following days.

Tomorrow is THE day

Hi :)

I forgot to mention earlier this week that for tomorrow we have scheduled one very important meeting that could change the course of our lives in a completely new direction. 

I am sitting in my living room after my not so busy day and I was thinking (yes, these days I have a lot of time in my hand)... You know that moment when you decide to step into 24/7 relationship and you think to yourself, yeah this is it, I got this, I will control it and he is submitting to me... 

Well, we were always saying that he would follow me around and that in this point in our lives the career is not first thing and we will try to find that balance... Well everything has changed, not for batter or for worse it is just different. 

At some point he is like, you are the most important and we have family together and all the other things don't matter. Lately, I don't really feel like it. He knows it and I am sure we'll be able to find the balance we are looking for.

Anyway, after tomorrow everything could change and we would have to adapt our lives to it. Completely change our plans and start from scratch. He has an AMAZING career and I am just starting with mine (well here is our age difference of 10 years, but that is just a number anyway). Don't get this wrong, I am impressed by his career and the way he does things but for me it is also a matter of priority.

Right now I'm just realizing all the contradictions from our conversations that we have in the last month. A lot of things have happened in a very short time and it is overwhelming sometimes. Most importantly right now is that we stick together and proceed with the plan. "The plan", whatever that is. And yes, I am a control freak and everything needs to be planed and figured out in advance and I am freaking our if it is not. And currently it is not! So I am wondering around in the darkness of my mind. I've been living my whole life without knowing what tomorrow holds and I don't want to proceed with it. We need to figure it out, soon. I want to be in control of the course of my life and currently I am not and I don't like it.

Today we both agreed 100000000% that we want to be in a relationship and that it no longer be long distance. 

Regardless to that, I really miss my dirtiness with him, I miss sessions; I might be Mistress, Domme etc., but I am definitely one guy girl. I could not see myself with other men who would love to lick my feet, and want me to touch their dicks, nope, not my style. 

I am not going to say that I did not try to have non-touching interactions with other slave (that he knew about) and it was good, I "beat the shit" out of him and that was it. It was fulfilling and satisfying but not even close to the same satisfaction that I have with my slave and his dick, spanking etc. 

Anyway, that is it for today, will post more tomorrow when I will know more about that big meeting that is going to occur.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to ask or say. :)

Nice day.

G.

Shut the fuck up and get on your knees

Hello again.

What can I say? I think that title of this post says a lot... It is how I feel today and sadly it can't be fulfilled... It is frustrating that I am here all alone and without any service from my slave...

I just want to cut the small, everyday talk and make him to shut up and kneel. This is where he should be, kneeling in front of me, looking at my shoes; just waiting there for my next command... being all miserable and pathetic... What should be and reality are two different things.

I miss dominating him, I miss using his body for my pleasure, I miss seing his dick get hard when he smells my dirty pantyhose. But what I miss the most is for him to worship my feet! The only thing I am really interested in right now is to get through these 17 days so that I can use his services again.

He has 7 days left to jerk off before and then he has to stop... so 10 days without touching will make him ready for me. Just the way a like it. I told him to do a lot of things before I get back and I really hope he made a list. We will be together for 15 days before I have to leave again. I just want to make the most out of it. Use him as much as I can because I know how much I will miss it when I'll be gone again. 

Domination is something that you just can't fake, it is something that it is natural to me. There is a lot to learn about it, learn how to properly train your slave so he is able to fulfill your needs. 

So now I am here, alone, with unsatisfied need for my domination over him. Most importantly, time is passing by and soon, very soon he will be available again; as he should be all the time. But that will happen soon as well. 

While I'm writing this, I am in my bed, wearing one of my favorite pair of pattern pantyhose and there is nothing more that I would rather do than command him to kneel, tie his hands, put a little collar around his dick and hook a leash to it; and of course make him to worship my feet like there is no tomorrow. I would want him to completely dedicate himself to that task while I am typing on my computer. I would want him to suck every toe, I would want to feel the softness of his lips around my pantyhose covered toes.
I would want to see that look on his face when he thinks he is done with one feet but I tell him that he is not even close to done with it and tell him to go back to worshiping. To see his face just before he opens his mouth again... I want to feel that satisfaction when I am trying to put both of my feet in his mouth and he is trying to open it, more and more... I want to put it even deeper than the last time! I want to rub my toes against his back teeth and make him choke. 

I should not even start with the cleavage of my feet, when he is using his tongue and teeth to scrub away all the dirt and sweat that I've saved for him! I want to see his look from down bellow. To see his look which is saying "thank you", thank you for being amazing and thank you for letting me serve you. He knows where is his place and that he was meant to serve me, serve me with all the devotion and loyalty. At the end of the day when we are together we both feel fulfilled and satisfied.

G. 

Yellow fever or what?

Hi everyone,

I know that I have not been here for months but that is because there was not much going on. I moved away for a few months and we are still deciding what our next move should be... Still a lot of unknown and we will just go with the flow.

But that is not why I am writing this today... It is something else; As the title says I am going to write about yellow fever; as we all know it as invasion of asian population to the west... Well, it is also a disease but that is not what is on my mind these days. 

First of all I would like to emphasize that I am not racist in any way... It is more... well... hard to admit it, but jealousy. I have never had this problem in my life... and it is just kind of developed in the past year I would say. Why? Because my slave's previous relationship was with an asian girl. 

I am going through some really strange process in my mind, of insecurity. I have never been like this, insecure and well in a way freaked out. Am I insecure because I'm afraid he would leave me for an asian person? Sadly, yes. He NEVER gave me even a slight impression that he would do that in a million years. When I think about it reasonably I know he would not, never... It is just that there is that little thing eating me from inside. I know what it it. Protection. I was fucked over million times and so was he (different situations, same result). I just want to make sure that he is not hurt by anyone, anytime! All in all he is MY property and he can't be touched by anyone. I care so much about him and would never let him go. I trained him to be perfect for me and me only. We all come with baggage and we need that someone who will help us unpacked... But it is weird is baggage is being developed during the time of "unpacking". Really weird.

I am not jealous to asian girls that he is working with, not at all. Also not to a girl that we could have a threesome with and she can be asian. But for example the other day he met his friend for lunch and they were chatting, they did not see each other for a long time so they had a lot of catching up to do. This friend (who is not asian) told him that he is dating an asian girl. Which was already kind of disturbing for me, but I was like who cares; my slave and his friend don't even live in the same country so they won't really meet any time soon... well well well... here comes the surprise! What happened? My slave asked his friend for drinks that evening and he brought his new girlfriend with. You can imagine my horror. Honestly, I went nuts. Not like normal crazy, like insane. Out of proportion crazy. Why? Because that always have a lot or siblings and cousins and... You know... Yes, the moment I realized what I was doing was something like this:

Me: I knew this would would happen, she does not deserve to be there, I am doing everything I can to be able to move there... 

My reason: Wtf is wrong with you? It is his friend girlfriend. You are going to ruin everything. Shut up and be a little bit reasonable. It is not good for you and absolutely not good for your relationship.

Me: Yes, but someone could take him away from me and I can't protect it and I am just so powerless and he can be hurt... (I went on and on and on... singing the same tune over and over)

My reason: Can you just stop?! This is not you and this is not how you handle issues. Just stop it, take a deep breath. I know it might be hard for you now but one day you will look back and see how stupid you were. Like seriously he would leave you? Never!

Did I stop after this mantra that I was going through over and over again? Of course not. Because some I let some weird part of me, mine unreasonable protection and jealousy dominate my reason.

During my relationship with him I have never felt more frustrated, sad and insecure like that evening. In theory I know that my behavior is unreasonable and crazy but I just didn't want him near asian girls (well, I that case i would be one against billion people on the planet and up for a mission impossible). I needed something else. In that moment I had to slap my face (metaphorically speaking) so I was able to calm down and think... Think a lot. I went to the gym, thinking that would help, I was trying to break my frustration on the bike and lifting weights... It did not work. I gave up on a gym that day and decided to walk... Just walk and see where life will take me. I found my answer, not far from the gym there is a gallery, gallery of modern art. I saw it and said to myself: "That is exactly what you need!" Went in and enjoyed myself. Turned off my ring tone on my phone and vibration and let some time to spend it with myself. I needed it to go back, to just return to my real me. It worked. I talked to him during the end part of my exploration in the gallery. I was calm, put together but still negative, still a little bit on the edge. He was frustrated, of course, I just let him be. He came around pretty fast as well. I knew I needed some final healing step so I went to a book shop. Check the last books that came out and see all the different book covers, smell it and completely put myself back together. I knew I had to, I care about him so much and that was going nowhere...

I am trying so hard to make sure that we will be able to live in the same country, settle down and start a normal life. There is a lot of people who don't deserve to live somewhere, but they do. I know that life is not fair, but still, it frustrates me.

I need some stability in my life. Maybe is the distance that is killing me, I don't know. I don't know what it was that evening but something just triggered my switch and put me off the track... big time. 

I believe that it is important that we are able to put our self back together in order to live normally and conquer the obstacles that we confront and move past it.

Also I know I can't lock him away from the world (no matter how much I would like to lock him in a soft full of cotton box to make sure nothing can happen) and that this is a major issue that I have to overcome. And I know it; that is the first step, is not it?

Honestly, there is not a single reason for him to get rid of me. I have been nothing but supportive about everything. I've been with him when he had his bad days, been there to lift him up; and I've been there when he had his good days and been happy with him. He did exactly the same. 

I also know that in some abstract world we would be perfect. Absolutely perfect because other than my unreasonable jealous about asian there is nothing we can't find agreement about. But reality is different...

We are coming from different countries, from different continents and there is a lot to overcome in that regard as well... Deep down I know that we can do it and we will... We started this based on a trust and honesty. I know he's been nothing but honest and me as well. We are united and there is nothing that can break us. We are two elements of the same team that could not work separately... We are symbiotic. Whatever is there to overcome, we CAN DO IT. I am 100% sure.

I know that this blog post was very different and that there is nothing dirty in it. I just needed to let it out and write about it... It made me feel a little bit better and I am sure I am not the only one who is facing this issue. Let's be positive.  :)

 G.