Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Yellow fever or what?

Hi everyone,

I know that I have not been here for months but that is because there was not much going on. I moved away for a few months and we are still deciding what our next move should be... Still a lot of unknown and we will just go with the flow.

But that is not why I am writing this today... It is something else; As the title says I am going to write about yellow fever; as we all know it as invasion of asian population to the west... Well, it is also a disease but that is not what is on my mind these days. 

First of all I would like to emphasize that I am not racist in any way... It is more... well... hard to admit it, but jealousy. I have never had this problem in my life... and it is just kind of developed in the past year I would say. Why? Because my slave's previous relationship was with an asian girl. 

I am going through some really strange process in my mind, of insecurity. I have never been like this, insecure and well in a way freaked out. Am I insecure because I'm afraid he would leave me for an asian person? Sadly, yes. He NEVER gave me even a slight impression that he would do that in a million years. When I think about it reasonably I know he would not, never... It is just that there is that little thing eating me from inside. I know what it it. Protection. I was fucked over million times and so was he (different situations, same result). I just want to make sure that he is not hurt by anyone, anytime! All in all he is MY property and he can't be touched by anyone. I care so much about him and would never let him go. I trained him to be perfect for me and me only. We all come with baggage and we need that someone who will help us unpacked... But it is weird is baggage is being developed during the time of "unpacking". Really weird.

I am not jealous to asian girls that he is working with, not at all. Also not to a girl that we could have a threesome with and she can be asian. But for example the other day he met his friend for lunch and they were chatting, they did not see each other for a long time so they had a lot of catching up to do. This friend (who is not asian) told him that he is dating an asian girl. Which was already kind of disturbing for me, but I was like who cares; my slave and his friend don't even live in the same country so they won't really meet any time soon... well well well... here comes the surprise! What happened? My slave asked his friend for drinks that evening and he brought his new girlfriend with. You can imagine my horror. Honestly, I went nuts. Not like normal crazy, like insane. Out of proportion crazy. Why? Because that always have a lot or siblings and cousins and... You know... Yes, the moment I realized what I was doing was something like this:

Me: I knew this would would happen, she does not deserve to be there, I am doing everything I can to be able to move there... 

My reason: Wtf is wrong with you? It is his friend girlfriend. You are going to ruin everything. Shut up and be a little bit reasonable. It is not good for you and absolutely not good for your relationship.

Me: Yes, but someone could take him away from me and I can't protect it and I am just so powerless and he can be hurt... (I went on and on and on... singing the same tune over and over)

My reason: Can you just stop?! This is not you and this is not how you handle issues. Just stop it, take a deep breath. I know it might be hard for you now but one day you will look back and see how stupid you were. Like seriously he would leave you? Never!

Did I stop after this mantra that I was going through over and over again? Of course not. Because some I let some weird part of me, mine unreasonable protection and jealousy dominate my reason.

During my relationship with him I have never felt more frustrated, sad and insecure like that evening. In theory I know that my behavior is unreasonable and crazy but I just didn't want him near asian girls (well, I that case i would be one against billion people on the planet and up for a mission impossible). I needed something else. In that moment I had to slap my face (metaphorically speaking) so I was able to calm down and think... Think a lot. I went to the gym, thinking that would help, I was trying to break my frustration on the bike and lifting weights... It did not work. I gave up on a gym that day and decided to walk... Just walk and see where life will take me. I found my answer, not far from the gym there is a gallery, gallery of modern art. I saw it and said to myself: "That is exactly what you need!" Went in and enjoyed myself. Turned off my ring tone on my phone and vibration and let some time to spend it with myself. I needed it to go back, to just return to my real me. It worked. I talked to him during the end part of my exploration in the gallery. I was calm, put together but still negative, still a little bit on the edge. He was frustrated, of course, I just let him be. He came around pretty fast as well. I knew I needed some final healing step so I went to a book shop. Check the last books that came out and see all the different book covers, smell it and completely put myself back together. I knew I had to, I care about him so much and that was going nowhere...

I am trying so hard to make sure that we will be able to live in the same country, settle down and start a normal life. There is a lot of people who don't deserve to live somewhere, but they do. I know that life is not fair, but still, it frustrates me.
I need some stability in my life. Maybe is the distance that is killing me, I don't know. I don't know what it was that evening but something just triggered my switch and put me off the track... big time
I believe that it is important that we are able to put our self back together in order to live normally and conquer the obstacles that we confront and move past it.

Also I know I can't lock him away from the world (no matter how much I would like to lock him in a soft full of cotton box to make sure nothing can happen) and that this is a major issue that I have to overcome. And I know it; that is the first step, is not it?
Honestly, there is not a single reason for him to get rid of me. I have been nothing but supportive about everything. I've been with him when he had his bad days, been there to lift him up; and I've been there when he had his good days and been happy with him. He did exactly the same. 

I also know that in some abstract world we would be perfect. Absolutely perfect because other than my unreasonable jealous about asian there is nothing we can't find agreement about. But reality is different...

We are coming from different countries, from different continents and there is a lot to overcome in that regard as well... Deep down I know that we can do it and we will... We started this based on a trust and honesty. I know he's been nothing but honest and me as well. We are united and there is nothing that can break us. We are two elements of the same team that could not work separately... We are symbiotic. Whatever is there to overcome, we CAN DO IT. I am 100% sure.

I know that this blog post was very different and that there is nothing dirty in it. I just needed to let it out and write about it... It made me feel a little bit better and I am sure I am not the only one who is facing this issue. Let's be positive.  :)


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